An Interview With Kate Holmes, bearded lady

Beeep…beeeep, that’s just the electronic device Katie wears. Miss Holmes, soon to be Mrs. Cruise, appears in W magazine, further proving she is merely a fembot programmed by the cult of scientology.

I want to give you an exclusive snippet of a conversation Katie and I had recently. Its a shame that the interview will not be published because the C. of S. has slapped me with a gag order. I’m showing you this, hoping I don’t land in jail where Lil’ Kim and I might share a cell and braid each others hair while fending off prison bitches like the Wonder Twins in Alcatraz.

Katie, how does it feel to be engaged to one of the biggest stars in the world?
Tom is the most incredible man.

Tell me about your relationship with Tom.
Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase.

Does he have bad habits? Ummm, does he leave the toilet seat up? Crack his knuckles? Bite his toenails?
Tom is the most incredible man in the world.

Don’t you find Scientology a bit frightening? I would be very afraid of the cultish faction.
(at this point Jessica, Katie’s handler, tells me I am not able to make unenthusiastic statements regarding Elrons group)

Katie, what is finding your thetan all about?
I’m learning to celebrate my own spirit, my own being.

You’re really in love with Tom then? It’s not just a sham? A coverup?
(Katie appears dumbfounded)
Jessica: Katie? Katie? You adore him.
Oh. He’s an incredible man.

Do you want to make a movie with Tom? Maybe do a little Top Gun 2?
That would be such an honor. Such an honor.

Sum up your relationship thus far?
Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase. He is incredible. I adore him. He is amazing. Really. Incredible. We are so in love.

Uit Conversations About Famous People

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